i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Taking phone security to the next level.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
turtles are just lizards who work in construction