Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow