Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

#math

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”