Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.