Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

#JohnTravolta

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.