[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
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Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.