[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
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Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Fidel Castro was alive?
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Well, this certainly took a turn
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.