[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
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[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
just make the entire table out of coaster
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Born to be mild.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!