[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
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When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.