Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.