Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

War & Peace

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

Liquor Store Parking

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*