Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further