Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
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Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
