Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Unexpected Judgment
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”