Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Still my favorite headline of all time:

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

So, can we agree on 4 or

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

#NoRestForTheWicked