Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
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*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
that colleague who touches your screen
honestly, i need both:
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
next question.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.