Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
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Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
You better wish for more oil
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
everyone has that one prude friend
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
