Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

oh you wanna fight?!

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.