Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
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My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
mumsnet is amazing
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves