marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
You Might Also Like
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?