Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

White Castle for the Win

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.