Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

cat vs inanimate object

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

🤣🤣🤣

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.