Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

How is it still this week?

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.