Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

If you’re testing me, we failed.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.