Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*