marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
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I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Teach your children to beatbox
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
