marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
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Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0