Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
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[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
sometimes we need to be reminded
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.