Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
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I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I am all good here, 😂😉
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago