Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
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When they try to steal your moment.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
The future is now.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
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