Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
You Might Also Like
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
mumsnet is amazing
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I don’t believe him.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier