Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
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self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?