Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
