Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
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When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!