Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

🤣✨#caturday

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

looks legit

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.