Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
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It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
There’s never enough good news
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup