Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
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Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted