Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
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3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
New mindset, who dis?
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…