Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own