Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
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This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
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just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
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Pizza is an emotion right?
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.