Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now