Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
You Might Also Like
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Natural selection at its finest
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
sistine chapel
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me