@TrueTorontoGirl

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

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@onume_

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

@scarebro

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

@DaddyJew

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

@Owl_Meat

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

@fro_vo

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

@dakarrier

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

@funflaps

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

@SouthrnPinUpMom

Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum…