The safest place to stand when I hit a golf ball, is directly in front of me..
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
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I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
me: may I clear your plates?
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE