Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Shark week, but for squirrels.