Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.