Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!