I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me