@dumbbeezie

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

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@Fred_Delicious

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

@BlondeFacade

I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.

@HollyHeals

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

In the eye doctor waiting room with my mom. There’s apparently an old person throat clearing competition here today.

@DonSchanke

For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn’t get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don’t have kids

@Tbone7219

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

@DaddyJew

Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.

@TheOfficialTed

Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy’s fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney’s fault.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

@BuckyIsotope

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son