Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind