Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
You Might Also Like
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
6: are snakes just neck?
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”