Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
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My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
just pretend nothing happened
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
how to have fun when you’re poor
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Good dog. ❤️
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My dream job is getting paid to dream