Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
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“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.