Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
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I’m not wrong
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me: