Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
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Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
LOL
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*