Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
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AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Trumpy Cat
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her