Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
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What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
What a website
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.