Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
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I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD