Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
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Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.