Marriage is fun because i asked my husband to please fix the sink and he started talking about how he should add a floor over the living room because it’s wasted space, then watched DIY on house flipping and said he could do that, then took a nap and the sink is still broken.

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there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy


Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you


When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.


[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.


She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well


Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most


PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*


Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.


Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.


We’re going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out.

And Facebook is going to pay for it.

Make Twitter Great Again.