@YourMomsucksTho

Marriage is fun because i asked my husband to please fix the sink and he started talking about how he should add a floor over the living room because it’s wasted space, then watched DIY on house flipping and said he could do that, then took a nap and the sink is still broken.

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@GrantTanaka

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

@jenlaw_11

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

@Breadery

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

@platinum2000

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

@MelvinofYork

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

@ShortSleeveSuit

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

@truegritrumble

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

@djderk

Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.

@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

@allthenachos

We’re going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out.

And Facebook is going to pay for it.

Make Twitter Great Again.