In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
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for all #parents out there
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender: