Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
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Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
*limbos away from your hug*
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.