Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
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You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
this makes me so uncomfortable
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.