Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
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Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
For the ones in the back.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.