Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”