Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.