Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
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If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn