Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
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therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.