Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Woke up against my better judgment again

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

it’s either covid or clever vampires

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.