Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me: