Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.