Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
You Might Also Like
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.