Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

Ha.

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about