Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
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Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Hank is one in a melon.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.