Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
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Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.