Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
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With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
what’s really going on
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Good morning
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
wut hotdog?
